American Shorts

Dick Cheney: Loved by Idiots

December 21, 2009
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While adding to the pile of human excrement that is the Republican party, Human Events has decided to literally write a joke about itself.

Dick Cheney.

What has he done? Nothing, really. Just decide to start talking and act like an asshole. I mean, okay. I get it. Conservatives like and are assholes! That’s how they rule, and that’s why their supporters call themselves “real Americans” and are still whining about losing the Civil and Vietnam wars.

Can you imagine the mind of someone who thinks of him or herself as “more American” than someone else? That’s serious mental illness.


New GOP Website, Losers

October 14, 2009
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In celebration of the berating that’s gone on in the name of the Repubicans’ new shitty, shitty website, I’m going to add my two cents. Because, shit, that shit’s funny.

First off, as so many people brought up today, Michael Steele’s blog on the site, is actually called What Up. And this is the first line:

The Internet has been around a while, now. But, I still find it an amazing platform for innovation, not just in technology, but in life.

Thanks, Mikey. I never thought of it that way. The internet has been around for a while! ButOH NOESSS!!!! Steele, after a day of pure ridicule, changed the name of his blog to “Change the Game.” Get it? Basketball.

Change the game you can believe in hope. But, yeah:

steelewhatupLoser.

Steele defended himself today, too. Let’s see what he had to say.

The GOP is also pretty hip these days. They have young people. And as Steele says, the internet is a life innovation thing. So much so, you can look at porn whenever you want, and judge people freely without others knowing your name. So.

Here are the new people of the GOP.

fat dudeSome fat guy.

sort of hot chickA girl who will be hot in a few years.

gross chickOpen your eyes, honey. We want to make sure you know you’re taking a picture for a Republican website.

doctor chickShe can take my temperature whenever she wants. You know what I’m talking about, right? Right? (Intercourse.)

pretty hot girl, blondeHer too. It’s never too late for nursing school.

So. Here’s the other thing. They have this list of people who are, apparently, Republican heroes. Of course, they include black people. Because black people were in favor of the Republican party before 1963. WHAT UP!

Here’s one. Jackie Robinson (with a stretched out face):

jackie robinsonAs Think Progress notes:

Misnaming Jackie Robinson A GOP ‘Hero’: The RNC tries to portray the party as diverse on its GOP ‘Heroes’ page (even though there is currently only one non-Hispanic minority serving as a Republican in the House and the Senate and only two percent of blacks identify as Republican), with people of color making up almost half the list. However, one of the people listed as a “great Republican” is baseball legend Jackie Robinson, who actually identified himself as an independent. In fact, Robinson spoke out about the “hatred” he saw at the 1964 GOP convention, where Barry Goldwater won the nomination. He called it “one of the most unforgettable and frightening experiences of my life.”

I don’t like the term “Epic Fail,” mostly because I don’t know how people started saying it. I can probably look it up on the internet somewhere — after all, it’s been around a while now — but I won’t.

Don’t worry, Michael, GOP,

funny-pictures-cat-is-here-for-you


Red State (dot) (com) Intellectual Photo Essay

October 8, 2009
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Over at wingnut website Red State (where editor and fat douchebag Erick Erickson is still calling safe school czar Kevin Jennings the statutory rape czar because of a case in which a 16-year-old in Massachusetts may have had sex with an adult under Jennings’ watch, and Jennings may have known about it; unfortunately, in Massachusetts, you’re legal at 16 and Jennings was legally bound to not say anything) there’s an unbelievably hilarious photo diary, in which user jiynnr compares Obama (the Arab) to General McChrystal (whom most conservatives learned about a week ago and only like because its in their caricature to do so.)

Basically, the anonymous user has created a series of pictures representing what Obama does, then representing what McChrystal does. Turn up your dumbness factor for this one:

obamasworkenvironmentObama gets drunk all day, at work. He’s a raging alcoholic.

obamasenemyTerrorists are not Obama’s enemy. The United States of America is. He decided to run for president so he could bound and torture his enemy, America.

mccrystals menobamasmenHow are the black panthers Obama’s men? I’m pretty sure this one is just racist.

obamalettermanWhile the troops talk to Afghanis, the president hangs out with David Letterman (WHO CHEATED ON HIS WIFE).

Anyway, it goes on and is at least as stupid the whole time.

So.

I think this might be a fun thing to do, too.

President Obama’s job:

President.

Jiynnr’s job:

Maintaining mom’s basement.

President Obama’s yearly salary:

$400,000.

jiynnr’s salary:

Free lunch and dinner. Brow beatings from father. (“Why don’t you get a job, son? You’re 40.”)

President Obama’s wife:

Hot.

Jiynnr’s wife:

Made of plastic (probably.)

President Obama’s favorite game:

Being president. (Basketball during the downtime.)

Jiynnr’s favorite game:

World of Warcraft/Magic/Dungeons and Dragons (probably.)

President Obama’s daily decisions:

How to prosecute the wars in Afghanistan/Iraq. Work on health care reform. Deal with dictators and Republicans. Stop terror on American soil. Work on fixing the economy. Make America a good place again.

Jiynnr’s daily decisions:

Rainbow or chocolate sprinkles?

UPDATE:

Here’s what Red State users commented:

redneck_hippie: Recommended – especially the final picture showing that which is quintessentially Obama: a water sprite or nymph with no connection to earth-bound reality.

Coldwarrior: Stud versus girlie man.

Thank you.

ColdWarrior


Infowars Psychotic Roundup

September 30, 2009
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This picture was on Infowars. It’s pretty funny.

selfportThese headlines are on Inforwars. They’re also really, really funny:

Liberals and Democrats will support the coming mass murder campaign against Iran

Kurt Nimmo writes how the U.S. is going to slaughter Iran for false reasons the same way we did to Yugoslavia in the 90s with liberals pretending to believe it’s a human rights venture. Okay. I can see that.

Minnesota County Conducts “Operation Big Shot” Mass Vaccination Drill

Kurt Nimmo again. This time, he talks about how Ramsey County officials are going to force the H1N1 vaccine on their county as an experiment against the American people. Infowars is generally anti-vaccination. They think it’s for mind control, or something.

Paramilitary Force To Boss Internment Camp In Montana

I knew there was some shady police force that was going to begin guarding this prison in Montana, because they might switch the torture sites at Guantanamo Bay to this place. This article is about how the prison is actually — like FEMA camps — an experiment to imprison all Americans, for one reason or another, and then, like, New World Order (?)

This is the best line in the article:

Since a majority of the American people have now been designated as potential domestic terrorists by the federal government, fears are growing that the prison camp will be used to incarcerate citizens against their will during a flu pandemic or any other declared emergency.

“A majority” of Americans! Ha! Priceless!

Here’s a couple questions about the New World Order thing. Let’s say the Skull and Bones reptilian humanoids actually do wipe our humanity. Then what? There will be about 100 people left on earth. What are they going to do with each other? Will they keep really hot chicks alive to bang them? Because last time I looked, German Chancellor Merkel wasn’t exactly a looker. I mean, what’s the point of wiping out humanity? Who will they rule over? How will they fill their days? What will they eat?

I want an answer.


Gibbs: Is Steele hoping to hop a plane to Brazil and catch the Olympics in Rio?

September 30, 2009
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Nice.

It’s true, you know. Those who criticize Obama for trying to get the olympics in America: Where do you think the olympics should be? Why isn’t America good enough for the olympics?

Why do you hate America so much?


Obama Wants Olympics In America Because He Hates America

September 29, 2009
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It’s creeping up to 7am. Do you know what your phone outrage of the day is going to be?

The potential 2016 Olympics in Chicago.

foxnation

To conservatives, because Barack Obama is from Chicago (and everyone knows Barack Obama is a non-American Hitler), Chicago is also not American. On top of that, Chicago represents some other terrible things. Chicago is where conservatives pretend to beleive John F. Kennedy “stole” the 1960 election (even though there were several recounts in Illinois and JFK did not need Illinois’ electoral votes to in the election). If John F. Kennedy were never elected, they believe, there would be no liberals, no Kennedy “dynasty” and no Medicare and such (because LBJ, too, would never have been president.) Unfortunately, there still would have been Vietnam (started by Eisenhower), the U.S. still would have come off the gold standard, and Kissinger would still have slaughtered millions in Cambodia.

Anyway, other people from Chicago include the ultimate blogger, Rod “Blog” – Oi! – Uh, vich? and the ultimate Hitler-Jew, Rahm Emanuel (and his evil shadowy doctor brother, Ezekiel, who wants to perform human experimentation on your grandmother and retarded babies.) These people are all terrible, and Obama sleeps with the devil.

So.

Conservatives are pretending to believe Barack Obama has secret ambitions to get the Olympics in Chicago in 2016, his potential last year in office. And you know why he’s doing that? Think Berlin, 1938! You want me to explain further? (No.)

Charles Johnson at Little Green Footballs found this at Michelle Malkin’s phony outrage site:

On September 28th, 2009 at 2:20 pm, 24Klady said:

We can’t find out what the salaries of the czars are, and now another office funded out of a backroom with no $$ accountability. Does anyone doubt the U.S. portion of the Olympics will end up being paid for by the taxpayer, and the atheletes used for political purposes just like Berlin/1938?

[…]

On September 28th, 2009 at 2:51 pm, Tazed and Confused said:

Re: Obama shaking hands with inner-city school kids … encouraging them … .
“yea bro, you can deal crack, score a bodacious ho, and still become president … . lookatme!”

So. Drudge, who operates on misleading headlines that are phrased in such a way to get us to believe what’s “really” going on, has this up as his main headline right now:

drudge

All those people are, to the squidbillies, Obama. And if the Olympics come to Chicago (especially Obama’s Kenyan brothers and sisters who witnessed him birthed in Kenya, not Hawaii), Obama will hit us with 2x4s (or, hit OUR WALLETS with 2x4s) right after he re-creates 9/11 in some southern “real American” (see also: confederate) city in order to declare martial law.

But this is from the President Bush Whitehouse.org archives:

THE PRESIDENT: I want to thank the members of the 2016 Chicago bid to get the Olympics. Listen, Mr. Mayor, you and your committee have put together a great plan. It’s a plan that will make America proud.

They say that the Olympics will come to Chicago if we’re fortunate enough to be selected, but really it’s coming to America, and I can’t think of a better city to represent the United States than Chicago.
President George W. Bush and Chicago Mayor Richard Daley hold up a T-shirt touting Chicago 2016, during a meeting Monday, Jan. 7, 2008, with with members of the Chicago 2016 Bid Committee and the U.S. Olympic Committee. Said the President, "This country supports your bid, strongly. And our hope is that the judges will take a good look at Chicago and select Chicago for the 2016 Olympics." White House photo by Joyce N. Boghosian This is a well thought out venue. There will be — the athletes will be taken care of. People who will be coming from around the world will find this good city has got fantastic accommodations, great restaurants. It will be safe.

And so I — this country supports your bid, strongly. And our hope is that the judges will take a good look at Chicago and select Chicago for the 2016 Olympics.

Thank you all.

President Bush, I think, is in on this secret plot by Obama, somehow. But nevermind that. He wasn’t a “real conservative“, remember? Only Sarah Palin is.

Sometimes, you’ve just got to look at this shit and wonder the lengths these pundits/character actors will go to in order to work a fake story. I mean, getting the olympics to Chicago is anti-American? Why?

Actually, I’m still wondering how Obama is like Hitler. I know, they both executed a Holocaust — but I mean besides that.

The fact is this. Conservatives, as they exist today (the wingnut version) are children. Babies without a bottle. They’re so angry they’re out of power and, of all people, a black man is in power, they’re willing to forget everything they pretended to support over the last, I don’t know, 20 — 30? — years. That’s why you’ve now got conservatives calling for a pullout of the middle east, and the rest of the world. That’s why suddenly they want back on the gold standard and police are bad.

They’re willing to accept any conspiracy theory, no matter how psycho, in order to convince one more tobacco-lip-stuffing hillbilly to vote against Barack Obama in 2012 and write incoherent comments on right wing blogs. It makes you wonder: If Al Gore had been president on 9/11, how many mainstream right wingers would be Troofers?

We all supported George W. at that time for a couple reasons. First of all, he was a naive nitwit who had no idea as to what he was doing (and could have had no idea 9/11 was going to happen). We prayed he’d come around, and when crisis strikes, Americans overwhelmingly support their president (highest approval ratings ever = Roosevelt after Pearl Harbor, Truman after Roosevelt’s death, Bush after 9/11). Second of all, as a naive nitwit, we knew he’d bomb the shit out of whoever did it. Turns out, he just bombed the shit out of the guy his dad also hated so he could get re-elected in a few years. Oh well. It was a good try by us.

But back to the point: This ‘martial law’ and ‘tyranny’ talk isn’t anything new. Mainstream right wing crybabies are willing to forgo all respect when it comes to getting their power back. Remember Ann Coulter spoke on 24-news about what Bill Clinton’s penis looked like (as if she wasn’t fantasizing)? You consider he was actually impeached for banging a fat chick — they’re willing to do anything to humiliate the opposition and appease the character actors playing right wing zealots on TV and radio.

0413_tucker_carlson_fm

Conservatives are going to be all against the olympics for a while now. (After all, the olympics is just like the U.N…All the countries get together…One World Government…Fascism…Global “warming”…) And all this is going to somehow lead us back to the school “indoctrination” thing, and how children singing a song in school about many presidents (but putting just one part, about the “fascist” president, on YouTube) is basically the same as Mao and the Khymer Rouge because young athletes visited the White House the other day.

I hate everyone.


Facebook User: Kill Obama (Because of his policies and only his policies, not because I, and others like me, are crazy people)

September 28, 2009
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Look. Conservatives protesting against Obama ARE NOT RACIST!

Why don’t you gay-loving liberals get that through your thick skulls!

Don’t tread on me! Obama just wants to give all my hard-earned money to BLACK PEOPLE WHO DON’T WORK!!! THIS HAS NOTHING — NOTHING! — TO DO WITH RACISM!

original

When someone on Facebook asks, “Should Obama be killed?” and 730 people actually vote in the poll, it has nothing to do with the fact that hillbillies have all the sudden come out of the woodwork, guns loaded, irrationality in full swing.

The poll asked respondents “Should Obama be killed?” The choices: No, Maybe, Yes, and Yes if he cuts my health care.

The question was not created by Facebook, but by an independent person using an add-on application that has been suspended from the site.

“The third-party application that enabled an individual user to create the offensive poll was brought to our attention this morning,” said Barry Schnitt, Facebook’s spokesman for policy.

IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE AGAINST HIS POLICIES! (Also, white Christians are descriminated against in America.)


Indoctrination, Martial Law, Hitler, Tyranny…

September 28, 2009
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It’s been well documented over the years that conservatives hate school. This is mostly due to the fact that schools teach English, math, history and science, which makes people smart (science is the biggie here). And if people become less stupid, and stop believing God is whispering to gremlin politicians, telling them to drop cluster bombs on brown and yellow people all over the world, politicians will lose power. And if they weren’t obsessed with power, they’d take jobs in the private sector that would pay them a shit ton more.

Turns out, 9/11 Truthers also hate school. I’m not sure of the real motivation behind this one. I assume it’s because when kids spend time in school, they’re not watching poorly-constructed YouTube movies about how Bush, Obama, Bill Clinton, and Tupac engineered 9/11 in order to police the world and kill it. Or something.

But, here’s something we might be hearing more about this week:

“Earlier this year,” according to Yahoo News, President Obama suggested that our students should spend more time in school due to the fact that we’re falling behind the rest of the world in basically every academic category.

“Now, I know longer school days and school years are not wildly popular ideas,” the president said earlier this year. “Not with Malia and Sasha, not in my family, and probably not in yours. But the challenges of a new century demand more time in the classroom.”

In a “recent interview with the Associate Press,” the education secretary explained that the school calendar was  “based upon the agrarian economy and not too many of our kids are working the fields today.”

It’s linked on the Drudge Report.

And it comes to this: Infowars.com has a headline that says, “Obama Demands Children Spend More Time in State Indoctrination Centers.”

Yep. State Indoctrination Centers.

I went to public school, and I don’t remember getting indoctrinated by “the state.” Now, I know it was a different time (Clinton was president) and Clinton wasn’t a black Hitler. He was just a white Hitler, according to these people, and that’s not so bad.

Alex Jones has already produced two documentaries about Obama. Can you imagine?250809top2 This guy is going to make millions off paranoid racists, 9/11 Truthers and a majority of conservatives who will believe anything bad there is to say about the president.

I’m sure you’re hearing about this now because of the phony outrage expressed by the right last week when a video of children being taught a patriotic song in school that happens to mention President Obama. The media needs something to sell this week, and since it doesn’t look like health care is coming to a vote any time soon, this is it.

The best is how whatever loser created this video actually put scary music in it. The comments are priceless. (For the record, yes, I think it’s a little creepy. But it’s not like these kids are grabbing assault rifles and killing Jews alongside Hitler’s scientists.)

basketballplayer182: Worship the messiah or you are not American. Pray the Obamahad 5 times daily toward D.C.

This must be what they want to replace the Pledge of Allegiance with in schools…

justhadsexwithyermom: Obama hates the U.S. & you fools voted him in just because he’s black.

I guess the jokes on you!

Anyway.

Since Barack Obama gave a speech telling kids to work hard, he indoctrinated them. Since he wants all Americans to have health care, he’s Hitler. This shit is getting really old, and I wonder when the right is going to wake up and realize they’ve knowingly(?) joined with the 9/11 Troof brigade, hating the president for reasons unknown, based purely on partisanship.

You know Michael Savage has now predicted a “false flag operation,” by the Obama administration, to declare martial law. Glenn Beck often copies whatever Michael Savage says, so he may soon predict this as well.

Martial law. Sigh.

What’s also funny about this shit is that Obama hasn’t really done anything yet. Like, seriously. What violence has he propagated? Really, none. I assume he’s working on getting the troops out from Afghanistan and Iraq, but I don’t know.

Have their been any Waco style events? Has Obama expanded upon the PATRIOT Act? Has he forced anyone, really, to do anything (besides the right wingers who pretend to believe he’s going to force them to change their doctor, or something)?


Drudge Report: Shit Website

September 24, 2009
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Remember this?

500x_drudgebeatingA “white student” gets bullied and it’s the craziest thing that’s ever happened, ever. It means something about Obama. Racism, black people killing white people because Obama is in office.

Rush Limbaugh said this about the Drudge headline:

“I think the guy’s wrong. I think not only it was racism, it was justifiable racism. I mean, that’s the lesson that we’re being taught here today. Kid shouldn’t have been on the bus anyway. We need segregated buses — it was invading space and so forth. This is Obama’s America.

“In Obama’s America, the white kids now get beat up with the black kids cheering, ‘Yay, right on, right on, right on, right on. I wonder if Obama’s going to come to the defense of the assailants the way he did his friend Skip Gates up there at Harvard.”

Rush_Limbaugh[1]_20090918144241_320_240

Well, a census worker was actually murdered today in what looks like a political assassination. An act of terrorism. That little incident gets this:

drudgereport

Last but not least, this is Drudge’s headline right now:

500x_drudge

And here’s where that headline comes from (Obama’s speech at the UN):

“No world order that elevates one nation or group of people over another will succeed.”

These fucking people.


Why Is Idiot Ice Queen Sarah Palin Going Overseas To Bash America?

September 23, 2009
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sarah-palin-01

I wonder if Fox News is going to use that headline.

AP/HuffPost:

Former U.S. vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin, criticized for her lack of foreign policy experience, emerged in Asia on Wednesday to share her views from “Main Street U.S.A.” with a group of high-flying global investors.

She didn’t refer to President Barack Obama by name, the Wall Street Journal reported, but said she called his campaign promises “nebulous, utopian sounding… Now 10 months later, though, a lot of Americans are asking: more government? Is that the change we want?”

Some attendees were disappointed by her focus on her home state and her attacks on President Obama.

“As fund managers we want to hear about the United States as a whole, not just about Alaska,” one told AFP. “And she criticized Obama a lot but offered no solutions.”

Think Progress:

A US delegate leaving early with a colleague said: “it was awful, we couldn’t stand it any longer.”

Wall Street Journal:

Melvin Goodé, a property consultant who attended Palin’s speech, was interviewed about Palin’s speech by the Wall Street Journal. When asked how he thought she did, he “shrugged his shoulders…[and] said that she generally did all right, given that she ‘wasn’t supposed to know anything about the continent.’”

The GOP is chock full of embarrassment, but considering Sarah Palin is considered some sort of leader, even their 2012 savior, that is just so American, don’t ya know? Say it ain’t so, Joey Joe Joe.


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