American Shorts

The Right <3 Ted Kennedy | August 27, 2009

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This is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while. It’s sort of like a caricature of right wing nuttery (although most right wing writing/talking is a caricature of right wing nuttery.)

It’s Alexander’s August 27 Essay at The Patriot Post. (Yup, they’re “Patriots.”) It’s a supposed memorial to Ted Kennedy, and predictably hits all the spots (Mary Jo, liberalism, Ted Kennedy born into wealth) but certain lines are just…you’ll see.

The article goes into buffoonery and conspiracist talk quick. Take this:

Ted, like his brother John, developed a reputation as a serial womanizer in college. Unlike his Ivy League brothers, however, Ted was kicked out of Harvard for cheating, though allowed to return a few years later to complete his undergraduate degree.

A SERIAL WOMANIZER. Is that a foreshadow of a potential RAPE that occurred sometime in 1991? A car crash and murder in 1969 (that was going to involve a rape)? Who knows? Let’s read on.

Thanks to some election-night manipulation of returns by Old Joe, JFK was elected president in the closest race of the 20th century (49.7 percent to Richard Nixon’s 49.5 percent). That paved the way for TK’s victory in a 1962 U.S. Senate special election in Massachusetts.

Yep. The right wing conspiracy that JFK stole the election after some Illinois electioneering. Unfortunately, no right wing gasbag has ever mentioned that JFK had enough votes in the electoral college to win handily anyway. HE DIDN’T HAVE TO STEAL ILLINOIS IN ORDER TO WIN.

Moving on.

On the night of 18 July, Kennedy left a party with an attractive young intern en route to a private secluded beach on the far side of Dike Bridge. Kennedy lost control on the single-lane bridge and his vehicle overturned in the shallow tidal water. (Note: I drove across this bridge in a large 4×4 truck a few years after this incident, and it was not difficult to keep it out of the water — but then, I was not intoxicated.)

Okay. So she was attractive. HE MUST HAVE RAPED HER. Private secluded beach? RAPE.

But don’t worry, folks, this writer drove across the bridge once, heh heh, and he wasn’t, heh heh, drunk, heh heh.

With his cadre of traitorous leftists at his side, Kennedy claimed, “The Bush administration misrepresented and distorted the intelligence to justify a war that America should never have fought.”

Still justifying the Iraq War and calling those opposed from the outset traitors? Good luck. (Can you imagine people are still justifying the Iraq War? Iraq!)

And this is my favorite line:

In 1987, President Ronald Reagan nominated an exceptional jurist, Robert Bork, to the Supreme Court. During Bork’s confirmation hearings, Kennedy proclaimed, “Robert Bork’s America is a land in which women would be forced into back-alley abortions, blacks would sit at segregated lunch counters, rogue police could break down citizens’ doors in midnight raids, schoolchildren could not be taught about evolution, writers and artists could be censored at the whim of the Government, and the doors of the Federal courts would be shut on the fingers of millions of citizens.” Despicable.

He says “Despicable.” Oh man.

But, I guess any publication that includes the word “Patriot” in its name is going to be full of adult infants, anyway.

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