American Shorts

Fuck You, Drudge Report

January 12, 2010
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As if Harry Reid didn’t have enough problems what with his correct assumption that Barack Obama could be elected president because he had light skin and didn’t sound too black for our country of racists, now Drudge Report is openly accusing him of having had plastic surgery. His evidence? There is none. Just two photos of the senator, each with different lighting.

Asshole he is, Drudge writes (emphasis mine), “At the height of battle, fresh-faced Senate Majority Leader looks stress-free, scrubbed, smooth and 20 years younger! The dramatic new before and after photos of the 70-year old show a change you can believe in! It appears the Nevada elder is trying to keep up with the House Speaker on more than just healthcare bills…”

Maybe he had plastic surgery. I don’t know, don’t care. But, you Republicans say, IF A REPUBLICAN DID IT!!!! WHAT A HYPOCRITE!!!!

Republicans do it, too. They all get surgery. They’re ego maniacs — that’s why they’re politicians, fucks.


Dick Cheney: Loved by Idiots

December 21, 2009
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While adding to the pile of human excrement that is the Republican party, Human Events has decided to literally write a joke about itself.

Dick Cheney.

What has he done? Nothing, really. Just decide to start talking and act like an asshole. I mean, okay. I get it. Conservatives like and are assholes! That’s how they rule, and that’s why their supporters call themselves “real Americans” and are still whining about losing the Civil and Vietnam wars.

Can you imagine the mind of someone who thinks of him or herself as “more American” than someone else? That’s serious mental illness.


That Conspiracy Show…

December 11, 2009
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…sucked!

What a waste of time!

Jesse Ventura covered no new ground, whatsoever, and actually made himself look like a fool numerous time.

The worst thing I saw was probably his “maybe” claim that the government might be painting flammable paint all over the United States, just like they *maybe* painted the flammable material on the world trade center.

Awful.


Tru TV 9/11 Truth

December 9, 2009
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Jesse Veutura is a troofer. His new show about conspiracies airs tomorrow (Wednesday) night, and he’ll be discussing 9/11 Truth. Charlie Sheen will join him (probably.)

This is likely the first time a purely sympathetic view of the 9/11 Truth goons will be aired on American television. Should be pretty crazy, huh?

I’ll recap or some shit tomorrow. Or maybe I won’t. Tune in to find out.

How about a live blog?

Just joking.

I’d rather be dead than live blog.

Or Twitter.

Is Twitter still around?


Support The Troops

December 2, 2009
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Camille Paglia: Old Lesbian Treasure

November 12, 2009
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I love Camille Paglia. camille_paglia_140x140

Okay, strike that. I Love Camille Paglia.

If she were decades younger and straight, you catch my drift? Nah, I wouldn’t. But still. Her Salon articles continue to amaze me in ways few feminist columnists can. Gail Collins may be the only other. Not Maureen Down, as she is a human molester.

Her feminist-professorism wit has no bounds, and while she only writes one column a month for Salon, she manages to get it all in there, always. Hatred of Hillary Clinton. Denying global warming. Making fun of “her” Democrats. Baselessly believing some radical conspiracy theory she heard on Rush Limbaugh — because she “respects” his opinion. She never has anything nice to say, yet everything she says is nice.

Ahhh….

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi scored a giant gain for feminism last weekend. In shoving her controversy-plagued healthcare reform bill to victory by a paper-thin margin, she conclusively demonstrated that a woman can be just as gritty, ruthless and arm-twisting in pursuing her agenda as anyone in the long line of fabled male speakers before her.

That’s okay. I get it. Pelosi passed that terrible bill, and yeah, she’s a chick. But here’s the kicker:

Whether or not her bill survives in the Senate is immaterial: Pelosi’s hard-won, trench-warfare win sets a new standard for U.S. women politicians and is certainly well beyond anything the posturing but ineffectual Hillary Clinton has ever achieved.

Were we talking about Hillary Clinton? At all? No. We weren’t. Nice jab, though.

Obama sure needed a lift and got it from Pelosi. The administration has seemed to be drifting lately. Obama has dithered for months about a strategy for Afghanistan — another rats’ nest we should pull our troops out of overnight. Then there was the bizarre disproportion in Obama’s flying to Denmark to flog a Chicago Olympics yet not having time to make it to Germany to celebrate the fall of the Berlin Wall — which suggests a frivolous provincialism as well as ignorance of history among the president’s principal advisors. And Obama’s muted response to last week’s massacre at Fort Hood has exposed ambiguities and uncertainties in the U.S. government and military about how to respond to homegrown militant Islam. The presidency is a heavy burden — a prize that can become a curse.

She leaves the politics at that, and does what she does so well. Talks about NPR and Madonna.

Is it true, according to press rumors, that Madonna is vacationing with her boy toy Jesus Luz in a house in Bahia in the far northeast of Brazil? And that she is contemplating buying a house there? Is she planning to take tutorials from the queen of axe, Salvador da Bahia’s very own superstar, Daniela Mercury? Well, it’s kind of what I had in mind in my epic Salon column last year negatively comparing Madonna to Daniela. As a teacher, I will certainly take credit for this leap forward, if it occurs, in Madonna’s much-delayed self-education.

The beauty of Camille Paglia is that she can hate on everyone and everything in such a polite manner. And be so, “I’m on your side” about it. And at the same time, if I saw her on the street (she apparently lives in the Philly suburbs), I’d run. She’s not someone I would ever want to mess with, and I’ve been yelled at by old lesbians before. It’s not cool.

Short story: I went to see the Queers last summer at a small bar in Philadelphia. I was alone. Sitting at the bar, waiting for the Queers to go on, a corpulent rotting human (big/old) sat two seats away. She had short hair and she wore a Queers T-shirt I believe she actually bought at the show. Where did she change? I thought. What is she even doing here, and who is she with?

So, I move over a seat. Start talking. I think we talked about the Queers new album, maybe the city of Philadelphia as a whole — I’m not really sure. I was a few in, and, yeah. Anyway.

Later on, after the first opening band, the Coyletones (who rocked), I was back at the bar and saw her sitting by herself at a table, so I sat next down. Now she was nervous. Keep in mind I’m 25 at the time. No, I’m 24. She’s got to be at least 60. Probably older. Very likely a grandmother. It was a 21+ show, so I imagined she wasn’t chaperoning her grandkids. What was she doing there? This information I sought. Other things I wanted to know: How did you even hear about the Queers? Where do you live? What sort of lifestyle does a 60+ year-old woman at a Queers show — on a Thursday — live?

She wasn’t really all about giving that information out. I was pretty drunk, too. Not too much charm. Eventually she goes, “You know what, I think that’s a little private. I’m pretty disappointed you would ask me these questions!”

So, I got up.

Later on, she was standing against a brick wall while the band played, and I blocked a couple moshers who almost crashed into her. We made eye contact and she nodded. I did too. It was still awkward.


Biden Pays Tribute To Ted Kennedy

November 12, 2009
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From Huffington Post:

Secret Service Motorcade Strikes, Kills Pedestrian

According to news reports, two cars that normally make up Vice President Biden’s motorcade were involved in a fatal accident early Wednesday morning.

The Washington Post traffic report states that the incident happened at 3:07 a.m, in Temple Hills, Md., at the intersection of Suitland Parkway and Naylor Road. (Though The Hill places the time of the crash at 2:27 a.m.). A pedestrian was struck by two Secret Service employees driving vehicles that were designated for Biden’s use. Biden was not in either vehicle at the time of the crash. The victim was rushed to the hospital but declared dead Wednesday morning. The victim’s name has not yet been released, and the incident is still under investigation. Read more details here.

They’re calling it another one of Biden’s “gaffes.”


New GOP Website, Losers

October 14, 2009
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In celebration of the berating that’s gone on in the name of the Repubicans’ new shitty, shitty website, I’m going to add my two cents. Because, shit, that shit’s funny.

First off, as so many people brought up today, Michael Steele’s blog on the site, is actually called What Up. And this is the first line:

The Internet has been around a while, now. But, I still find it an amazing platform for innovation, not just in technology, but in life.

Thanks, Mikey. I never thought of it that way. The internet has been around for a while! ButOH NOESSS!!!! Steele, after a day of pure ridicule, changed the name of his blog to “Change the Game.” Get it? Basketball.

Change the game you can believe in hope. But, yeah:

steelewhatupLoser.

Steele defended himself today, too. Let’s see what he had to say.

The GOP is also pretty hip these days. They have young people. And as Steele says, the internet is a life innovation thing. So much so, you can look at porn whenever you want, and judge people freely without others knowing your name. So.

Here are the new people of the GOP.

fat dudeSome fat guy.

sort of hot chickA girl who will be hot in a few years.

gross chickOpen your eyes, honey. We want to make sure you know you’re taking a picture for a Republican website.

doctor chickShe can take my temperature whenever she wants. You know what I’m talking about, right? Right? (Intercourse.)

pretty hot girl, blondeHer too. It’s never too late for nursing school.

So. Here’s the other thing. They have this list of people who are, apparently, Republican heroes. Of course, they include black people. Because black people were in favor of the Republican party before 1963. WHAT UP!

Here’s one. Jackie Robinson (with a stretched out face):

jackie robinsonAs Think Progress notes:

Misnaming Jackie Robinson A GOP ‘Hero’: The RNC tries to portray the party as diverse on its GOP ‘Heroes’ page (even though there is currently only one non-Hispanic minority serving as a Republican in the House and the Senate and only two percent of blacks identify as Republican), with people of color making up almost half the list. However, one of the people listed as a “great Republican” is baseball legend Jackie Robinson, who actually identified himself as an independent. In fact, Robinson spoke out about the “hatred” he saw at the 1964 GOP convention, where Barry Goldwater won the nomination. He called it “one of the most unforgettable and frightening experiences of my life.”

I don’t like the term “Epic Fail,” mostly because I don’t know how people started saying it. I can probably look it up on the internet somewhere — after all, it’s been around a while now — but I won’t.

Don’t worry, Michael, GOP,

funny-pictures-cat-is-here-for-you


If I had Twitter…

October 8, 2009
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My update would say this:

Is going 2 Phillies gam n’ has 2 B in prkng lot by noon – no pnt in going 2 slp now!

I dont know if you can use photos on Twitter.

phillies1


Red State (dot) (com) Intellectual Photo Essay

October 8, 2009
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Over at wingnut website Red State (where editor and fat douchebag Erick Erickson is still calling safe school czar Kevin Jennings the statutory rape czar because of a case in which a 16-year-old in Massachusetts may have had sex with an adult under Jennings’ watch, and Jennings may have known about it; unfortunately, in Massachusetts, you’re legal at 16 and Jennings was legally bound to not say anything) there’s an unbelievably hilarious photo diary, in which user jiynnr compares Obama (the Arab) to General McChrystal (whom most conservatives learned about a week ago and only like because its in their caricature to do so.)

Basically, the anonymous user has created a series of pictures representing what Obama does, then representing what McChrystal does. Turn up your dumbness factor for this one:

obamasworkenvironmentObama gets drunk all day, at work. He’s a raging alcoholic.

obamasenemyTerrorists are not Obama’s enemy. The United States of America is. He decided to run for president so he could bound and torture his enemy, America.

mccrystals menobamasmenHow are the black panthers Obama’s men? I’m pretty sure this one is just racist.

obamalettermanWhile the troops talk to Afghanis, the president hangs out with David Letterman (WHO CHEATED ON HIS WIFE).

Anyway, it goes on and is at least as stupid the whole time.

So.

I think this might be a fun thing to do, too.

President Obama’s job:

President.

Jiynnr’s job:

Maintaining mom’s basement.

President Obama’s yearly salary:

$400,000.

jiynnr’s salary:

Free lunch and dinner. Brow beatings from father. (“Why don’t you get a job, son? You’re 40.”)

President Obama’s wife:

Hot.

Jiynnr’s wife:

Made of plastic (probably.)

President Obama’s favorite game:

Being president. (Basketball during the downtime.)

Jiynnr’s favorite game:

World of Warcraft/Magic/Dungeons and Dragons (probably.)

President Obama’s daily decisions:

How to prosecute the wars in Afghanistan/Iraq. Work on health care reform. Deal with dictators and Republicans. Stop terror on American soil. Work on fixing the economy. Make America a good place again.

Jiynnr’s daily decisions:

Rainbow or chocolate sprinkles?

UPDATE:

Here’s what Red State users commented:

redneck_hippie: Recommended – especially the final picture showing that which is quintessentially Obama: a water sprite or nymph with no connection to earth-bound reality.

Coldwarrior: Stud versus girlie man.

Thank you.

ColdWarrior


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